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Conferenza Episcopale U.S.A.
Commissione Famiglia, Laici, Donne e Giovani
PREPARAZIONE AL MATRIMONIO
E COPPIE CONVIVENTI
Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples
An Information Report on New Realities and Pastoral Practices
un rapporto informativo su nuove realtà
e orientamenti pastorali
Copyright 1999 United States Catholic Conference, Inc, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce excerpts in articles or newsletters or for reproduction and free distribution in its entirety. |
testo originale Part Two
Pastoral Issues with Cohabiting Couples in Marriage Preparation |
| Introduzione | Prima Parte | Parte Seconda | Conclusioni | Appendice A | Appendice B | SECONDA PARTE
Problematiche pastorali nella preparazione al matrimonio delle coppie conviventi |
| Preparation for marriage begins long before the couple approaches the priest or pastoral minister. In his Apostolic Exhortation On the Family (Familiaris Consortio, #81), Pope John Paul II strongly urges that young people be educated about chastity, fidelity, and the meaning of marriage as a sacrament. Religious education, parish based catechetical programs, and chastity curricula in elementary schools are all part of this effort. The Catholic Chastity Curriculum Directory (NCCB/USCC, Fall 1999), a directory of available materials that follow Catholic teaching, can be a helpful resource. |
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| The high school years, in particular, can be a prime time for dealing with these issues, when dating, and the desire to date, are foremost in the minds of adolescents. During this time they can be given the spiritual foundation that helps them to make informed, faith-filled and life-giving choices throughout their lives. With this foundation, it can be hoped that couples will choose not to cohabit before marriage. |
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| Nonetheless, we know that many couples do live together before they marry. Many pastoral ministers identify cohabitation as the most difficult issue they deal with in marriage preparation. They are faced with the dilemma of addressing a situation that is contrary to our moral principles while attempting to validate and sanctify the relationship of the couple through the Sacrament of Marriage (Archdiocese of Miami, Marriage Preparation Guidelines, 1997; Diocese of Phoenix, Marriage Preparation Policy Handbook, 1998).4 |
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| We offer the following pastoral suggestions to priests, deacons, and pastoral ministers who prepare couples for marriage. They are intended to provide general guidance only, since each couple's pastoral needs and circumstances are unique. In developing these suggestions we join with many dioceses in turning to Familiaris Consortio for inspiration. "In Familiaris Consortio the Holy Father offers sound guidance," says the Miami Archdiocese's marriage preparation policy, referring to the challenge posed by cohabiting couples. |
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| In section 81 of Familiaris Consortio Pope John Paul II points out that de facto free unions, i.e., those unions without any publicly recognized institutional bond, are an increasing concern. He recognizes that various factors can lead a couple into a free union. These include difficult economic, cultural or religious situations, extreme ignorance or poverty, and a certain psychological immaturity that makes couples afraid to enter into a permanent union. |
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| The Pope continues: "Each of these elements presents the Church with arduous pastoral problems, by reason of the serious consequences deriving from them, both religious and moral...and also social consequences...The pastors and the ecclesial community should take care to become acquainted with such situations and their actual causes, case by case. They should make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned and enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the witness of Christian family life in such a way as to smooth the path for them to regularize their situation" (Familiaris Consortio, #81). |
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| In the discussion below, we attempt to take the Holy Father's advice and apply it to concrete questions that arise during marriage preparation with cohabiting couples. Our goal is to work through the challenges--"smooth the path"--so that cohabiting couples will be able to celebrate a sacramental marriage. |
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| How to begin working with cohabiting couples who approach the church for marriage preparation? |
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| Faithful to Each Other Forever notes that two extremes are to be avoided: (1) Immediately confronting the couple and condemning their behavior and (2) Ignoring the cohabitation aspect of their relationship. In the decade following the document's publication, pastoral experience and diocesan policies have borne out the wisdom of this approach. The majority of policies and practices follow a middle way between the two extremes, one that integrates general correction with understanding and compassion. |
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| The U.S. bishops' plan for young adult ministry, Sons and Daughters of the Light, points out that during marriage preparation the Church connects with more young adults than at any other time outside Sunday Mass. "For some, this may be their first step back into church life" (Sons and Daughters of the Light, p. 30). Marriage preparation is an opportunity for evangelization and catechesis. The Gary Diocese points out that "this is a ‘teachable moment' and the parish priest must be cautious lest he alienate the couple from the church community. This calls for pastoral support in the couple's plans for the future rather than chastising them for the past" (Guidelines for Marriage as a Sacrament, Diocese of Gary, 1996). |
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| While couples need to be welcomed with the gospel values of love, understanding, and acceptance, they also need to be challenged by the gospel message of commitment and faithfulness. Faithful to Each Other Forever points out that in the past pastoral ministers often overlooked the cohabitation, not pressing the couple too hard for fear of alienating them from the church. Because of the awkwardness of dealing with the situation, some chose to ignore the entire issue. Increasingly, however, pastoral ministers have abandoned this approach in favor of addressing the cohabitation gently but directly. |
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| The Church has consistently taught that human love "demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another" that can only be made in marriage (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2391). Since cohabitation violates the Church's teaching about sexual love and marriage, church ministers must speak and teach about it. Doing so, as one diocese points out, "is an act of love for the couple in the process of spiritual growth" (Pastoral Care of Sexually Active/Co-Habiting Couples Before Marriage, Diocese of Peoria, 1997). |
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| How can pastoral ministers know if a couple is cohabiting? This can be a delicate situation. Very few diocesan policies offer suggestions for surfacing this issue during marriage preparation. Given the potentially harmful effects of cohabitation on marital stability, however, pastoral ministers are beginning to recognize a responsibility to raise the issue. |
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| Certain tip-offs (e.g., giving the same address and/or telephone number) can alert the pastoral minister that the couple may be cohabiting. Some couples are quite open about their living arrangements. A pastoral minister who is sensitive but straightforward can encourage a similarly candid attitude on the part of the couple. Some pastoral ministers discuss cohabitation in general terms, noting the issues it raises and the potentially harmful effects on the marriage. |
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| However it surfaces, cohabitation should be discussed early in the marriage preparation process. If it is not possible or advisable to discuss it immediately, it should be flagged as an issue to be addressed at a subsequent face-to-face meeting. |
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| Some marriage preparation programs use the pre-marital inventory FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study). FOCCUS now includes discussion questions for cohabiting couples, and the FOCCUS Manual includes additional material on facilitating discussion with this group. |
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| What are specific objectives in doing marriage preparation with cohabiting couples? |
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| The general goal of marriage preparation with all couples is the same: To create a clear awareness of the essential characteristics of Christian marriage: unity, fidelity, indissolubility, fruitfulness; the priority of the sacramental grace that unites the couple to the love of Christ; and the willingness to carry out the mission proper to families in the educational, social and ecclesial areas (Pontifical Council for the Family, Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage, #45). |
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| For cohabiting couples, a specific goal may be added: To encourage the couple to reflect on their situation and why they decided to cohabit and to provide insights into possible consequences, factors that may present special challenges to them or put them at risk for later marital disruption. (See, for example, marriage preparation policies in the Dioceses of Rockford (1992), Sioux Falls (1988), and Peoria (1997), among others). |
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| To accomplish this second goal, the pastoral minister invites the couple to reflect on their experience of living together and its implications for sacramental marriage. The following questions (or appropriate variations), drawn from a newly developed section in FOCCUS, can be discussed: |
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| Why did you originally choose to live together? How does the commitment you wish to make now differ from the commitment you made when you decided to cohabit? |
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| How does your family and community feel about your living together? How do these feelings affect you? |
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| What are your reasons for wanting to marry at this time? Is there any reluctance to marry? Is pressure from family or around children a major reason for marriage now? |
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| What have you learned from your experience of living together? How do you expect your relationship to grow and change in the future? Does either of you expect marriage to be free from times of discontent? How well do you deal with conflict? Have you agreed on any changes in the way you will handle money after you are married? |
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| Why do you want to marry in the Catholic Church at this time? Do you understand the concerns the Church has had about your cohabiting situation? |
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| What does marriage as a sacrament mean to you? |
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| What do you think will be the largest barriers to a lifelong marriage for you? How do you think you will be especially challenged by the vow of faithfulness? |
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| After these discussions, the pastoral minister may ask the couple how the information gained from the preparation process has raised their understanding of church teaching and cohabitation, and what response they will make in light of this knowledge. At this point the pastoral minister may ascertain the couple's readiness and ability to enter into a sacramental marriage. |
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| What distinctions are made among cohabiting couples? |
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| Some diocesan policies (e.g., Cleveland (1988), Buffalo (1992), Michigan Dioceses' Common Policy) note the following differences among various types of cohabiting couples, based on the reasons given for the cohabitation. Each has distinct pastoral implications. |
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| For couples who have seriously planned for marriage, and who decided to live together for practical reasons such as finance or convenience, the pastoral minister can focus on their understanding of the meaning of sacrament and the commitment to permanence and stability in marriage. |
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| For couples whose cohabitation seems more casual, and for whom no previous commitment seems to have been made, in addition to the treatment of commitment and sacrament, special attention is given to overall readiness for marriage and for permanent lifetime commitment. |
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| For couples whose reasons for seeking marriage are more for the sake of appearance, or to accommodate social or family needs, and little evidence is presented to indicate either spiritual or psychosocial maturity for marriage, a postponement of further marriage preparation, at least at this time, can be considered. |
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| Should cohabiting couples be encouraged to separate prior to the wedding? |
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| Many diocesan marriage preparation policies suggest that pastoral ministers encourage cohabiting couples to separate. They recognize that this is a desirable goal to propose and to achieve -- not because the Church is so concerned with the fact of separate addresses but because it declares that conjugal love needs to be definitive; "it cannot be an arrangement 'until further notice'" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1646). Even if the couple chooses not to separate, they can be encouraged to live chastely before marriage. "They should see in this time of testing a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2350). |
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| The challenge to separate or, if continuing to live together, to live chastely, can be fruitfully posed at the end of a process in which the church's teaching on marriage and sexuality is carefully explained. This approach has been adopted by the bishops of Kansas, among others. They point out that during marriage preparation couples must make decisions. One of these concerns living together. Priests and pastoral ministers point out the many good reasons not to cohabit, and invite couples to follow the teachings of the Church. As the Kansas bishops stess: "Ultimately, the engaged couple must make the decision to follow Christ and His Church." (A Better Way, 1998). |
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| The Diocese of Peoria follows a similar approach. After suitable instruction, "The priest must ask the couple to consider chaste and separate living and give the couple time to reflect on their decision" (Pastoral Care of Sexually Active/Co-Habiting Couples Before Marriage, Appendix E) |
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| Priests and pastoral ministers report that couples who separate often benefit from the experience. "Priests say that many couples return...expressing amazement at new insights through living separately. The couple's experience has changed their hearts" (Sioux Falls). Separation can give the couple new perspectives on their relationship; it is also a tangible sign of the couple's free, loving decision to accept the Church's vision of marriage and sexuality. |
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| Some couples are not normally asked to separate, e.g., those with children. Ideally, before challenging a couple to separate the minister knows their particular circumstances and why they decided to live together. A couple may have what seem to them good reasons (e.g., finances, safety) for living together. A change in living arrangements can pose practical problems. The Diocese of Sioux Falls, recognizing this situation, notes that "Parishes may be challenged to help couples cope with such difficulties so that they can live apart" (Preparing for Marriage in the Diocese of Sioux Falls). |
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| If a couple is cohabiting, can marriage be denied or delayed? |
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| Denial of marriage -- Since cohabitation is not in itself a canonical impediment to marriage, the couple may not be refused marriage solely on the basis of cohabitation. Marriage preparation may continue even if the couple refuses to separate. Pastoral ministers can be assured that to assist couples in regularizing their situation is not to approve of cohabitation. |
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| Delay or postponement of the marriage -- Some diocesan policies note that in certain circumstances a postponement of the wedding might be in order. In these cases additional time might be needed to address the issues raised by cohabitation. For example, a concern for the impact of cohabitation on the couple's freedom to marry could be a reason to delay the marriage until this issue is sufficiently explored as part of marriage preparation (Archdiocese of Detroit; Archdiocese of Miami) |
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| A few dioceses point out that cohabitation may prolong the marriage preparation process because of the need to evaluate the couple's attitudes and understanding of the Church's teachings on marriage and sexuality. One policy states: "If there is not sufficient awareness on the couple's part of the essential elements of Catholic teaching on the sanctity of marriage and sexual relations and of the commitment, fidelity, and permanence needed in marriage, then the marriage should be postponed until such awareness has developed" (Preparing for Marriage, Diocese of Rapid City). |
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| Since couples have a natural and canonical right to marriage, any delay beyond the normal waiting period for all couples is a serious matter. Care must be taken to ensure that delay is not used as a punishment for a couple's continued cohabitation. (See Bishop John D'Arcy's letter to priests of the Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend, ORIGINS, October 1, 1998.) |
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| Should cohabiting couples be encouraged to celebrate the sacrament of reconciliation prior to their wedding? |
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| With all couples, celebration of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is properly encouraged as part of marriage preparation for the Catholic party or parties. The Catechism states: "It is therefore appropriate for the bride and groom to prepare themselves for the celebration of their marriage by receiving the sacrament of penance" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1622). |
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| It should be noted that absolute moral rectitude is not demanded for sacraments to be celebrated. Familiaris Consortio offers this guidance: "The faith of the person asking the church for marriage can exist in different degrees, and it is the primary duty of pastors to bring about a rediscovery of this faith and to nourish it and bring it to maturity. But pastors must also understand the reasons that lead the church also to admit to the celebration of marriage those who are imperfectly disposed" (#68). The document further points out that the baptized couple, by their right intention, have already accepted God's plan regarding marriage and, at least implicitly, consent to what the church intends to do when it celebrates marriage. It cautions: "As for wishing to lay down further criteria for admission to the ecclesial celebration of marriage, criteria that would concern the level of faith for those to be married, this would above all involve grave risks" (#68). |
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| Is it possible for cohabitation to scandalize the community? |
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| Many diocesan marriage preparation policies note the possibility of scandal. Scandal is a multi-faceted reality. In society as a whole, cohabitation neither carries the stigma nor causes the scandal that it did just two generations ago. As the bishops of Kansas point out, "As society no longer adheres to traditional moral values and norms, scandal becomes less and less a concern to many people" (A Better Way, p. 9). The burden of scandal falls not just on the cohabiting couple, but on our sexually permissive society. |
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| The cohabiting couple is living contrary to the Church's teaching on marriage and sexual love. By acting as if they are married when they are not, they risk scandalizing the believing community. It is also possible to cause scandal, however, through a lack of understanding and compassion for couples in irregular situations. Whether and how couples are welcomed can mean the difference between alienation from the Church or renewed involvement. |
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| Moreover, parents and pastoral ministers may have a different opinion of how scandal occurs. Parents who were deeply distressed by their children's cohabitation are relieved when the son or daughter approaches the Church for marriage. They believe that the scandal is easing. At this point, however, priests and pastoral ministers fear that the scandal is about to start. Both viewpoints have some merit, and point to the need for understanding different perspectives on scandal. |
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| Is a simple wedding ceremony most appropriate for cohabiting couples? |
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| A few diocesan policies suggest that a simple wedding ceremony is most appropriate for cohabiting couples. (Those policies that explain "simple" usually do so in terms of number of people in the wedding party.) This is the most common consequence of a failure to separate. One policy states that since the couple is choosing to appear as husband and wife to the community, then their wedding ceremony should reflect this choice and be small and simple. Others (e.g., Memphis) state that a large wedding raises the possibility of serious scandal. |
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| The Code of Canon Law gives no special consideration for marriages of cohabiting couples. The general norm states that the pastor and the ecclesial community are to see that the couple has a "fruitful liturgical celebration of marriage clarifying that the spouses signify and share in the mystery of unity and of fruitful love that exists between Christ and the Church" (c. 1063, 3°). |
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| The Catechism states: "Since marriage establishes the couple in a public state of life in the Church, it is fitting that its celebration be public, in the framework of a liturgical celebration, before the priest (or a witness authorized by the Church), the witnesses, and the assembly of the faithful" (1663). |
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| Some pastoral ministers are concerned that a simple celebration hinders the couple's ability to understand the communal dimension of the sacrament. They point out that cohabiting couples are the least likely to realize the involvement of the Christian community in their marriage. Having a wedding with only immediate family and witnesses simply underscores their impression that marriage is a private event. They need to appreciate the reciprocal commitment between the couple and the Christian community. |
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| The Archdiocese of Omaha points out that even for cohabiting couples the celebration of marriage is an act of the Church's public worship. It states: "The same liturgical principles and norms apply for a cohabiting couple as for any other couple. Marriage preparation for cohabiting couples should not begin with or be based upon a decision about the kind or size of the wedding ceremony that will be allowed." |
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| inizio pagina | |
| Introduzione | Prima Parte | Parte Seconda | Conclusioni | Appendice A | Appendice B | |
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